Goodbye?

I felt a tap on my right shoulder, so I turned my head to the side and there he was, so beautiful, the sight of him brought me great comfort.  Then he assured me, "It'll be ok babe, it will only be for a little while, but promise me you'll be strong".  "Do you promise".  Of course I promised, he was the love of my life I would agree to anything to bring him comfort and I could tell that he needed me to promise.  And it was just so good to see him to feel his love, why did I turn away, I only looked away for a second.  That's when I saw them, three figures walking towards me, Kevin's Mom, her Preacher and who I found out later was the Hospital Chaplain.

Kevin's mom was the first to approach me.  It all happened so fast.  I remember her saying "Kevin and you were on your way home from the beach and you were involved in a head-on collison, Kevin didn't make it".  I reacted immediately, Kevin was right beside me, didn't she see him, what was the matter with her.  I said, "he's right here", then I turned and he wasn't there.  I remember screaming and trying to fight my way out of the hospital bed just screaming.  That's when a soft voice reminded me I had promised to be strong...  That thought, just the simple thought that I had promised, brought me back, I'd never broken a promise.  I then told her in a calmer voice No, he was just here. 

The Preacher and Chaplain reacted out of fear that I must be suffering from a head injury that someone should get a Doctor.  Then I remember Kevin's mom saying.  "No"  "I believe that Kevin would of come to say goodbye to her, that he would want to see her one more time..."  She calmly repeated that we had left the beach early because Rob had to be to work and on the way home we were involved in a head on collision, Kevin was thrown from the car and he didn't make it.

That's when I knew, that moment, that I had lost Kevin, the love of my life.  I would never see him again..

Hospital Break

There is humor even in great tragedy.  My brother, Mark, was one of the first people to get to the hospital.  The rest of my family was out of town.  Sounds comforting right?  It might of been only at this time in my brother's life he was an alcoholic.  I don't mean a person who likes to get their drink on over the weekend, I mean a pitch your tent on the side of US1 because you'd rather drink beer then pay rent.  How they even found him still amazes me.  I heard that somehow I was able to communicate he worked for a pizza place.  So my Drunk brother shows up demanding to see his sister multiple times, never mind he also called all hours of the night demanding to be put through to my room.........drunk.  Can you imagine?  Here I am in a hospital bed, two broken ankles, broken leg, cracked pelvic and a concussion and I have a drunk brother bothering the hell out of the hospital staff.  It would of bothered me, only quite frankly I was on a morphine drip, a phone wasn't going to wake me.  Keep in mind to Mark this was showing the love he had for his little sister.  Now that you have the background and can kind of picture how he was and my health at the time let me tell you his brilliant plan. 

I couldn't bare the thought of not attending Kevin's funeral, however it was unlikely they would allow me to leave the hospital given my condition.  This is where my brother comes in.  He has devised a PLAN.  That's right folks, he's going to bust his little sister out of the hospital!  For those of you that don't know what it means to have a cracked pelvic, let me try and expalin, my legs had to be lifted and turned at the same time as my waist in order for me to move, kinda had to pivot, never mind both legs had some type of cast, so if I could even make it out of bed I would then need a wheelchair.  My current nurse hadn't mastered getting me into the wheelchair without causing me great pain. 

I mean, I can not stand, move, or even go to the bathroom without assistance.  And to be clear, I couldn't get up to actually go to a bathroom, I needed assistance with a bed pan!  I have to tell you I had great fear of this PLAN of his.  You should of seen the enthusiasm he expressed as he told me his plan.  Him and a friend would come at night, his friend would distract the nurses, and Mark, would be the Big Brother and wheel his sister out of the hospital!  See in his eyes big brother was coming to the rescue.  In my eyes, my drunk brother was going to get me killed, or worse break more bones then I already had broken.

Now that I'm not currently in that condition, I wish I could tell you there was an attempted break out, I bet it would be humorous to read about, although not so much for me I imagine.  Out of pure fear I asked to speak to my Dr and was somehow able to convey that either he give me a pass, or I would be seriously injured.  Maybe all those drunk calls/visits were a blessing afterall.  My Dr. had no doubt that my brother would indeed try and break me out........He granted the pass

Kevin rides with Us

Kevin's Mom drove us to the funeral.  To be honest, I don't remember who was in the car with us.  At this point my Dad was in Florida, so I assume he was with us, but I honestly have no recollection of anyone else in the car.  I had so many unanswered questions about that day.  You see, when you are involved in a major tragedy, you mind protects you by blocking it out.  I had been in the front passenger seat, yet I needed someone else to show me what had hapened, to explain it.  The memories must be in my mind, but I am unable to access them.  I had so many unanswered questions, like how on a side street can you possibly have a wreck serious enough to kill two people.  I desparately need to make sense out of the senseless. 

I asked Kevin's mom to drive us by the accident sight.  As we drove down Monterrey, there were no blood stains, no carnage, just a couple of skid marks.  I don't know what I expected, but I needed some answers, some sign, some explanation for what I had just lost.  It wasn't there.  During the ride, Kevin's mom comments several times on how smooth the ride is, and says that's because Kevin is riding with us.  I dismissed her with a nod, sure I beleive his spirit is now with us always, yada yada yada.  I don't want to be comforted and I don't want my thoughts interrupted as I try and find some answer for loosing what I knew as my life.

I should of paid more attention or maybe asked some questions of Kevins Mom, like why she believed he was riding with us.  Nothing prepared me for the truth of what she meant.  When we arrived at the church for the funeral Kevin's Mom popped the trunk and removed a gift wrapped box.

See she said, "I told you Kevin was riding with us".  Yes, Kevin, the most beautiful human being I have ever known was now ashes in a box wrapped up like a gift to be presented to someone.  II'm not sure I have the words to express how that made me feel.  I had already expressed the horror at having him cremated in the hospital.  You see I wasn't given the opportunity to say goodbye, to see him one more time.  I was not involved in the decision.  Kevin and I were at the beach one day and then I never saw him again, just like that.  That is the only time in my life I have yelled at a parent figure.  I couldn't understand how she could destroy someone so beautiful and take from me the opportunity to say goodbye. 

Now, here I am standing in the parking lot of the church with the realization that the beautiful man that I loved beyond words, beyond measure is in a gift box and had just been in the trunk.  Even now I know I haven't gotten rid of all the emotion in reaction to that knowledge.

Signs

One day I'm at the beach, can't tell you if it was sunny or over cast, I have memories both ways.  Even my last day with Kevin was taken from me. 

I do remember we played the band game while sitting in the sand.  Have you ever played?  Someone says the name of the band, then you respond with another band that starts with the letter the previous mentioned one ends with.  I remember playing this while we sat in the sun.  I remember Kevin doing things out of his nature that day.  I remember he went in the water with me.  Do you know how many times I tried to get that man to swim with me.  Mission Impossible.  Kevin loved the ocean, the sight, the smell.  We would play backgammon on the boardwalk, we would eat lunch there, take walks, play basketball.  We didn't swim.  What he didn't like was getting wet.  Yet, here he was on this day in the water with me. 

Even before we left for the beach.  We were in transition, another long story, my things were at his Mom's house, so we had to stop by there for me to change into my swim suit.  I was in the bathroom getting ready, and I could hear Kevin's mom preaching to him.  To get the full effect of this you have to understand that Kevin's Mom, once a devout Catholic, had started going to a Non-Denomiational Church that beleived in speaking in tongues etc.  On some level, Kevin was worried about his mom, on the other level, he didn't EVER want to be trapped and forced to listen to her.  I can hear in the bathroom, she's telling him about the end of the World.  I just keep thinking to myself, I need to hurry, he's going to be pissed, but my clothes are literally in a trash bag, so I'm having to dig to find a swim suit.  This process took a while.  I finally come out of the bathroom, and Kevin is smiling, asks me if I'm ready, then says to his Mom "Thanks for telling me the World could end when we're trying to get out and enjoy today". 

Then I remember showering as we left the beach.  If you've never been to a beach, there are little showers as you leave to help rinse off the sand before you get in your car.  Over the years I constantly had to remind Kevin to be a gentleman and hold the button while I rinsed off.  This day, he just did it.  I remember saying, "You're holding the button for me".  That is my last memory of this day.

I believe the soul knows when we are being called home, that there are little signs if we pay attention.  I was 24 years old at the time of the accident.  At this time in life, my comfort was my pillow.  When I was a young girl, it was a Teddy Bear, today, it's my Romeo.  Then, I had this pillow.  I had it since childhood (a comfy foam one).  It use to be my brother Waynes (that is also another story).   I never wanted to sleep without this pillow.  As I mentioned above we were in transition.  The night before the accident, we were at the apartment where Kevin was staying.  It was late, and Kevin tells me he needs to be alone to think.  He had this process, when something was on his mind, he liked to listen to his jam box with his headphones on.  I didn't like this process, it usually meant something bad, Kevin assures me everything is ok, but he needs to go and won't be long.

When Kevin comes back, he brought me my pillow.   

After

Immediately upon release from the hospital, Dad flew me home to Texas.   I literally left the hopital and was driven to the airport where I was put on a plane.  In an instant everything I knew, my fiance, my friends, my job..........my life... were gone.  My heart literally hurt.  I'm not sure if I can describe it accurately enough, but it was like something grabbed a hold of it and was pulling it out of my chest and it was barely hanging on by threads.  I was a shell of a person.  I don't believe in suicide, I consider that the ultimate F- you to God, but at the same time I didn't want to live.  I remember sitting in Sunday School (I sat every where I went, as I was in a wheel chair) and our teacher asking us to pray for an elderly member that had cancer.   Alll I could think of was how wonderful it is that person is going to die and going to be with everyone they've ever lost, not here, not in this shell of an existence.  I even thought, wow I wish I knew them, they could take a message to Kevin for me.

I lived for sleep. In my dreams, there was still a Kevin and Dianne, they still had a life.  They were still in love, planning their future.  Luckily, I was on a lot of pain meds, so I slept often.  This was also the only time I was alone without someone hovering.  Try having someone with you every time you go to the bathroom, every time you have to get dressed, every time you need to get up from a chair, or lie down in bed.  Now imagine it being when you absolutely can't stand to be in the presence of any other human being, you just want to be alone, alone so you can greive.  Alone so you don't have to pretend to smile.  Alone so you can sleep.

I remember getting so angry when people would try and comfort me by saying "it just wasn't meant to be".  What a stupid thing to say.  Of course it was meant to be.  We had a life!  Kevin gave me his lifetime, it was just shorter than mine.  My other favorite, "you're so lucky to be alive".  Why didn't anyone get the simpilist truth I WASN'T GIVEN A CHOICE.  Do you think for an instance if someone had asked me, would I like to go with Kevin, or stay here, I would of picked here!!!  One of my biggest fears when the dreams stopped was that he had moved on without me, maybe he did expect me to end my life and join him.  So many times I thought, what would he of done in the reverse, I don't know.  I know his initial reacation would of probably to get on his motorcycle and drive somewhere too fast.  Ultimately, I don't know. 

I remember us talking about it once.  Only for the life of me I can't remember his answer on what he would do if I died before him. That's probably because I was too busy trying to convince hime why the answer is no, you don't re-marry.  Because what  I do remember is telling him of course I wouldn't re-marry, what would I do when I got to heaven, introduce him to you, when you're the love of my life.  Could you picture that seriously.  I mean wouldn't the current spouse wonder who in the heck he was to me.  Might even be a little angry that I didn't allow him the time to meet the love of his life. 

And I remember something he said to me during an argument "look where your dreams have gotten you"

Anyway, I knew everyone meant well and no one knows what to say at tragedy.  I've had many experiences with death and still don't have the right words for my friends when they experience loss.  But I promise you I don't say it wasn't meant to be, as if our life had no meaning, no purpose.  I was so angry, sometimes in the dark of night I would just keep repeating, we had a life, damn it, we had a life.  I wanted my life back.  That life, a life that included Kevin.

Recovery

I can hear the dog growling, banging against the sliding glass door from where I lay in bed.  I am unable to get in and out of the waterbed that is in the spare room, so Dad has put a twin bed in the living room that is in front of the sliding glass door.   I'm angry at the dog, at Dad for allowing a dog that bites strangers, and I'm a stranger in this house.  I'm angry that I have to lay here and wait for someone else to wake so that I can get out of bed.  I'm angry at it all.  I try and go back to sleep.  Sleep is my only solace.  Dad, chipper as usual finally comes to get me out of bed, there's a little dance we do so that I can pivot and get up and into the wheelchair without putting stress on my pelvic.  I then wheel myself to the dinning room where I spend most of my days.  I'm writing.  Writing cards to Kevin's family.  I want them to know how I feel, how we spent our last week, it helps me feel closer.  I wrote one card and letter to the widow of the other driver.  I never had a reply, I meant it as a nice gesture, but I always wonder how it came across.  I was sorrowful for her loss but also jealous that they had a long life together, he was in his 80's.

When I'm not writing, I'm searching the Bible,. I need to know what it is like in heaven.  I take no comfort that things aren't as they are here on Earth.  I don't want to think that our relationship has ended.  I realize there is very little written on what heaven is like.  I didn't want to hear about streets of gold yada yada yada, I want to know what our relationships are like.  This is how I spend my day, except for the brief times in the morning and evening when I have to put on a smile.  Dad can't bare to see me hurting, so I do my best to shield him from the way I really feel.  They actually have someone come sit with me every day.  A baby sitter.  I'm 24 years old and I have a baby sitter.  I hate this.  This means I have to put on a front for someone else and all I want to do is be alone with my thoughts, my writing, my research and my sleep.  Luckily for the most part she plays on the computer, I think she's as uncomfortable with the situation as I am.  I know she would like to say something to make me feel better, but the fact is there aren't words to take away this pain.  The only time I don't feel like my heart hurts is in my sleep, Kevin meets me there every time I close my eyes.  It's so real.  I remmber one conversation, death isn't so bad we still see eachother all the time and he replied, that's because they don't get it like we do.  I tell Kevin's Mom I am seeing him.  She tells me this is a sin, that he needs to move on.  I wish I hadn't shared this with her.

Within a few weeks, I have learned to manuever myself and the wheelchair enough to go to the bathroom without assistance and to get in and out of bed for my desired sleep.  At this point I am sick of being watched.  I hate everyone..  I hate my loss of privacy.  At one of my Dr appointments (at this point I was going to the Dr 3 times a week), I beg him to tell my Dad I would be able to get out of the house in a fire, that I have to be able to be alone that I can't stand to be watched another minute.  He agrees.  My Dad doesn't like it, but listens to the Dr. who convinces him that I need this for my recovery.  I am making progress physically.